Jim Mullen writes the weekly humor column
The Village Idiot for Newspaper Enterprise Association. Anyone
who has dreamed of chucking it all and moving to the country will
identify with Mullen's witty observations and sharp humor as a
self-proclaimed city boy experiences the "simple life" firsthand.
Mullen and his wife lived in New York City's Greenwich Village
for twenty years before moving to the rural dairy farm country
of the Catskill Mountains. In 2001, he wrote a memoir about the
experience called It Takes a Village Idiot: A Memoir of Life After
the City, a charming fish out of water story in which he slowly
realizes that he would rather spend time with his manure-spreading,
tractor-pulling, untrendy neighbors than with all the Beautiful
People back in Manhattan. The well-reviewed book was a finalist
for the 2001 Thurber Prize for American Humor. Another Mullen confection,
a spoof of baby shower gift books called Baby's First Tattoo, was
released in 2002. Mullen also wrote the "Hot Sheet," a
topical humor column for Entertainment Weekly magazine in which
he skewered celebrities. Before joining Entertainment Weekly in
1991, Mullen worked as an editor and writer for various magazines,
including Malcolm Forbes' Egg, and as a writer and producer of
New York radio shows. Mullen's freelance work has appeared in The
New York Times, New York Magazine and The Village Voice. The son
of a Navy officer, Mullen grew up in Virginia, Rhode Island, Nebraska
and a few places in between.
February 25th, 2009
THE VILLAGE IDIOT
Downsizing the Oscars
By Jim Mullen
I've been watching the Academy Awards since Bob Hope was a baby.
Back then, they didn't have a different host each year: It was always
Bob Hope. Then Johnny Carson took over for a while. Now they audition
someone new every few years but it's such a no-win gig, you wonder
why anyone wants it. Jon Stewart did an admirable job a few years
ago and his movie career still lingers in the toilet. Waiters at
trendy L.A. restaurants get more Hollywood job offers. And they don't
even have to wear tuxedos.
The Academy Awards show boasts a long and storied tradition -- of
train wrecks. Every year, we get an endless parade of presenters
who forget to bring their reading glasses, presenters who mangle
the simple ...
February 18th, 2009
THE VILLAGE IDIOT
Setting loose the creative 'juice'
By Jim Mullen
It's so upsetting to find another ballplayer admitting that he
used a banned substance. It's really not fair to people like me
who bet
illegally on sports. If I knew who was taking human growth hormone
(HGH) or steroids, I'd have bet more money on him. Instead, I had
to have a short but painful confab with two of my bookie's goons.
I didn't test them, but I think they were both taking steroids to
bulk up.
Some people have no moral center. It's practically all my buddies
down at Hooters can talk about -- what lowlifes these ballplayers
are. Where's their since of decency? Of shame? And do you think
the blond waitress with the implants would go out with me?
I'll tell
my wife I went to the b ...
February 11th, 2009
THE VILLAGE IDIOT
Number crunching
By Jim Mullen
FIVE. To save a few billion a year, the Post Office is thinking of
cutting mail service down from six days a week to five. A few billion?
Let's just make it every other day, and save a few more billion.
I'm trying to think of a single piece of mail I've gotten that was
so important it couldn't have come a day later without changing my
life. The phone bill came on Thursday instead of Wednesday? Heads
will roll! The fifth L.L. Bean catalog of the month comes a day late?
How should I vent my outrage? I needed that Canadian blanket coat
yesterday! Oh, the humanities.
I don't know if the people at the Post Office have heard about
it, but there's this new technology (if "new" meant 40
years old) called e-mail. ...
Wednesday, Feb. 6, 2009
THE VILLAGE IDIOT
Number crunching
By Jim Mullen
FIVE. To save a few billion a year, the Post Office is thinking
of cutting mail service down from six days a week to five. A few
billion?
Let's just make it every other day, and save a few more billion.
I'm trying to think of a single piece of mail I've gotten that
was so important it couldn't have come a day later without changing
my
life. The phone bill came on Thursday instead of Wednesday? Heads
will roll! The fifth L.L. Bean catalog of the month comes a day
late? How should I vent my outrage? I needed that Canadian blanket
coat
yesterday! Oh, the humanities.
I don't know if the people at the Post Office have heard about
it, but there's this new technology (if "new" meant 40
years old) called e-mail. I ...
Wednesday, Feb. 4, 2009
THE VILLAGE IDIOT
That thing that's going around
By Jim Mullen
I've got that thing that's going around. And I can't seem to shake
it. It's been weeks now. Coughing, sniffling, headaches, sore throat,
aches all over. I hope whoever gave it to me still has it. Let
the punishment fit the crime. Why can't people stay home when they're
sick and suffer in silence, like I do? I'm so considerate, I don't
even go to the office when I'm healthy.
Everyone I talk to on the phone tells me same thing: "You sound
horrible." They all give me suggestions and advice. "Drink
water." "Eat chicken soup." "Drink chamomile
tea." "Take a decongestant." "Take a pregnancy
test." What?
The one thing no one ever says, "Go see a doctor." Because
as we all know, there's no cure for ...January 28th, 2009
Wednesday, Jan. 28, 2009
THE VILLAGE IDIOT
Food fit for the dogs
By Jim Mullen
During the past holiday season, Sue and I went to a lot of cocktail
parties and dinners. It's great to be in demand, and, thank goodness,
Sue let me join her at a lot of them. It's taken years, but I now
know many of the rules of etiquette -- which fork to use, not to
drink out of the finger bowl, and the difference between a sleeve
and a napkin.
One guideline for a good dinner party used to be that you do not
let a husband and wife sit together. The rationale being that,
since they see each other all the time, separating them makes things
more
interesting for them and other guests. It gives everyone something
to talk about on the drive home.
Obviously, you don't want to be too strict about these k ...January
21st, 2009
Wednesday, Jan. 21, 2009
.
THE VILLAGE IDIOT
The real rat pack
By Jim Mullen
Years ago, David Letterman was doing his show from Las Vegas for
a week, and, as he walked out of his hotel one night, he ran into
a raggedy man who asked him for $5 for food. Letterman said, "How
do I know you won't spend it gambling?" and the guy says, "Oh,
I got gambling money!"
That joke gets less and less funny every time I read about banks
that have received billions of dollars from taxpayers.
" How do we know you won't spend this bailout money on bonuses to the
people who ran this bank into the dirt in the first place?"
" Oh, don't worry, we got bonus money!"
It gets less and less funny when you read that the "financial
adviser" who parachuted out of his plane, leaving it to crash
on autopilo ...January 14th, 2009
Wednesday, Jan. 14, 2009
.
THE VILLAGE IDIOT
The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic
By Jim Mullen
Here at Bailout Motors, we spend millions of dollars each year
on market research to find out what the auto-buying public wants
in
a new car. And to my surprise, a vehicle that parks itself wasn't
one of the top 100 things customers look for. It wasn't even in
the top 1,209 things. Our surveys showed people wanted features
like "quality," "durability," "better
gas mileage" and "better transmissions." One clown
even wanted us to bring back those little vent windows all cars
used to have. Automatic parallel parking wasn't mentioned even
once. But
my wife, Gloria, was always complaining that there was never an
empty parking space in front of Tiffany's and Neiman Marcus when
she wanted
...January 7th, 2009
Wednesday, Jan. 7, 2009
THE VILLAGE IDIOT
Fading memories of 2008
By Jim Mullen
My memory is going. I'm still writing 2008 on my checks. Worse,
I'm still writing checks, while everyone else is banking online.
Well,
not everyone else, just people with money. My bank is letting people
go left and right. No, don't worry, none of the executives are
being "right-sized," just
the people who do all the work. They've gotten rid of all the tellers
and replaced them with ATM machines that will never get pensions
or take vacations. My bank charges me to use the ATM. They never
charged me to use a teller. I got my statement last month, and they
charged me a "statement fee" of $5. Excuse me? Is this
a ploy to get more of my business?
I can never remember my PIN. I picked an easy number that ...December
31st, 2008
Wednesday, Dec. 31, 2008
THE VILLAGE IDIOT
Gross-ery shopping
By Jim Mullen
There was a story on the news the other night about some grocery
stores installing mini car washes to wash their shopping carts
after each use. At first I thought it was an extravagant and silly
idea.
But when the reporter pointed out that toddlers in diapers sit
in the exact same spot where I usually put my apples and avocados,
I
saw the wisdom of the idea.
When I told people about the cart washer, it seemed that it was
pretty common knowledge among most shoppers that grocery carts
are the modern
plague carriers and not to touch one without wearing gloves and
then throwing the gloves away.
I never noticed it before, but now I see diapered toddlers sitting
in the carts all the time. What could possib ...
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