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Sense and Sensitivity
By Harriette Cole

Tuesday, March 3, 2009 United Feature Syndicate

SENSE & SENSITIVITY
The name of the game: Speak up first
By Harriette Cole

DEAR HARRIETTE: I usually don't remember people's names. It's actually quite embarrassing. The other day, I attended an event, and a woman I've known for quite some time but not really well walked over to me to talk. Toward the end of the conversation, she asked whether she could stay in touch with me, and she reminded me of her name. In this case, I had remembered it, so I told her so. I also thanked her for telling me and admitted that I often don't remember. She reacted awkwardly at first, but then it seemed OK. Was I talking to the wrong person when I admitted my weakness? -- Ella, Atlanta, Ga.

Dear Ella: Who knows why that woman seemed awkward to you? If you haven't had an elongated conversation with her at all or for a long period of time, she may have noticed how honest and revealing you were and her posture changed. I think it was great that you thanked this woman for the reminder; you acknowledged that you did indeed know her name and that you often do not. You were honest.
Employ your "friend's" strategy. When you see people at social or business functions, state your name right away. If they say they know you, admit that you have begun to state your name because you often forget when you interact with people you have met before, even people you know.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My assistant refers to me as "babe" when he addresses me. I am a good 20 years his senior, and I feel uncomfortable about this. When people call me "Ma'am" or "Miss Johnson" instead of by my first name, it makes me feel old. I may have been sending conflicting messages, but I never said it was OK to call me "babe." That seems way too casual and familiar. He has been doing this for months now. I know, I know. I should have said something right away, but I didn't know how to say it without hurting his feelings. So I didn't. Now it's getting out of hand. It's embarrassing, too, when my colleagues hear him speaking to me in this way. What should I do to fix it? -- Rita, Portland, Ore.

Dear Rita: Become the boss and mentor to your assistant. Chances are he just doesn't know what's appropriate. If he tends to acknowledge women using that term of endearment, he may not even realize how he's addressing you. He may think you are more attractive than a person who should be called by a formal prefix. Forget the what-ifs. Speak to him, and find out why he calls you that; moreover, explain that it's inappropriate. Give him options for how to speak to women in the workplace. Options include Ms. with surname or a first name. What is protocol at your job? Figure it out, and suggest it to him.

Thursday, March 5, 2009 United Feature Syndicate

SENSE & SENSITIVITY
As family and work converge, time for smart decisions
By Harriette Cole

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that my grandmother is very ill. It sounds as if either she has given up or her body is giving up on her. Usually, my family and I visit her during the holidays, at the end of the year. I don't think we can wait that long. I think we should go to visit as soon as possible, but I have a problem. I'm not sure if I'm going to have a job a month from now. My company is going through a major reorganization, and I've been told my job is not guaranteed. How can I be with my grandmother, which requires a plane ticket, and be responsible to my family? -- Ben, Boston, Mass.

Dear Ben: I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. And I'm happy to hear that your grandmother is still alive. That means you, as an adult with a family, have had the blessing of knowing your grandmother for so many years. Still, this is a tough time. And you have to make a smart decision for everyone.

My recommendation is that you go online and see what deals you can find to go visit your grandmother immediately. Look for single flights and for your whole family. You need to be smart about spending money when you may not have a job. And you must visit your grandmother. Investigate to learn your options. With facts and figures, make a smart decision that may represent a manageable splurge.
Be mindful there's a good chance you will have to return sometime sooner than you wish. Build that into your planning. I know it may seem morbid, but you must deal with reality planning. Also, check to see whether you have any frequent-flyer miles available through your travels or your credit cards. You may find a gift there. Look for it. No matter what, be with your grandmother as soon as possible.

DEAR HARRIETTE: We recently learned that our company is suffering. Nothing is guaranteed. As a manager, I have been told that there's a chance we can climb out of this hole. I feel it's my responsibility to help the company as long as I can. But I don't know how. My team has soured on the company, and they have all banded against the establishment (and me). How can I help the business and myself? -- Brandy, Chicago, Ill.

Dear Brandy: During crises, the people who fare the best are often the ones who keep a level head and look for the positive. In circumstances like yours, you need to find a way to light a positive fire under your employees. Remind them of how dire the economy is AND how it's not hopeless. Point out that your company wants to survive and thrive through this. With their help, it may be possible. Notice the people who seem to be able to see the positive. Focus on cultivating their interest and effort.